Dedicated to Ushiku Crisifulli
Words: Falafel, Purple, Onomatopoeia, Coddiwomple, Dragons
Why hello there? What you weren’t expecting me? Were you expecting a dragon? Why does everyone expect dragons and not an oversized purple caterpillar? No matter. Give me a second why I light my pipe. Ah that’s better. What’s that you say? No, this isn’t an Alice in Wonderland adventure. Get out of here with that garbage. No, no. We are here for something else entirely.
We are here to talk about this chap named Todd. Not Sweeney Todd, numpty, just a regular old chap named Todd and we are observing him as he takes his afternoon tea in a local restaurant. He has ordered some falafel, and no, not a person can see us. That would be bad even though I’m a forty-foot purple caterpillar and you are standing next to me. It’s good no one can see us though. Why don’t you hop on my back, it will be quicker this way. Just trust me and hop on. There, isn’t that much better?
Todd left his falafel unfinished but his tea is gone. No matter. We must follow him. You will know why soon enough. We have to hurry. No – he does not know we are following him. Just hold on tight.
Ah here we are, back in his apartment. Did you know that Todd is an amazing chef? It’s a wonder he doesn’t cook for himself most of the time. He has other talents to you know, like playing guitar but he hasn’t played in some time. I’m not a stalker stop that. Well, maybe a little. What’s that? You’re scared? Don’t be. We’re just here and we are following Todd as he’s known to coddiwomple through life, like most people. He makes for an entertaining yet pitiful show if I am to give my opinion on the matter.
Here, have some of my pipe, it will make you feel better. There, that’s it. Inhale slowly, now. Isn’t that better? Look back again at Todd, no he can’t see us. As I said before, no one can see us. It’s better that way. You’ll understand why soon enough.
Todd is now cooking a strange dish. I haven’t seen him do this before, but it looks like ingredients used for falafel. Guess he needs to experiment.
“Whoosh, ooga, begosh, rooga, yowza,” Todd says.
He needs to make onomatopoeia sound effects when he cooks. This is quite normal for him. Don’t be so surprised. Take another hit of the pipe, you’ll feel a lot better.
Looks like he is making his own version of falafel. He is quite inventive wouldn’t you say? Yes, he is. It’s looking and smelling quite good. Eventually, the falafel is cooked and Todd puts it on a serving dish. He takes a picture of it with his phone and puts it on Instagram. He takes a bite out of one of his falafel balls and does a victory dance.
“So much better than at the restaurant!” He declares and twirls around happily.
He grabs a container and places the falafel and inside it and leaves it on the counter. Yes, we are observing him do this. Don’t worry, we are almost to the good part. He picks up his cell phone again and makes a phone call.
“Hey Sophie, come on over,” Todd says. “I made some awesome falafel.”
He hangs up. It is our turn to make our move. Todd is ours. He is our tasty morsel and I’ve been hungry all day. The look of fear is extremely pleasing as we are finally able to be seen and Todd realizes what we are. My mouth opens wide to fit Todd’s head inside and there is a very satisfying crunch.